My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.