Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.