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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!