I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.