When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.