[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You Might Also Like
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not