Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My Plans 2020
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Just a friendly reminder!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular