*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Actually cracking up @ this
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby