I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE