“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.