SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.