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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.