ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Sheep
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”