The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
You Might Also Like
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to