You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.