Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Is this a threat?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.