[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”