I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
PARKOUR
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
mumsnet is amazing
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.