Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
You Might Also Like
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
i wish we could shoplift online
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.