Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Single and childfree like Jesus
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.