1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family