annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
You Might Also Like
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!