why does this building look like a guilty dog
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?