Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.