$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Accurate
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s