me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.