Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.