Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused