Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Looking at you, Jesus.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.