[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
i love modern commerce
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.