Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me My dog
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome