Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
had to make it