No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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cats when you pet them too long:
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable