This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
You Might Also Like
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
They’re called werewolves.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I don’t get marriage
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️