Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Put this video in the Louvre
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Netflix and you sit over there.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.