My patronus is a cheeseburger
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic