6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy