me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!