If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you