COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
shit just got real
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts