*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
You Might Also Like
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Just so funny
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper