My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.