One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.