“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
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I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m aging like a fine banana
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to