If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Dance like you’re not the father
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.