Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
HOW DARE YOU
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
somebody come look at this
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.