I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You Might Also Like
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Seems legit
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
You make me want to be a better home and garden.