People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Wikigenius
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns