[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.