Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
what
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth